Complicated Launchings: Adult Levels of Functioning Still Under Construction

When the launching process is derailed and the young adult returns home, parents often assume that the young adult will soon mobilize into productive functioning. They look for signs that the young adult will get a job, go to the local college, and, in general, get on with things. Parents soon become annoyed that very little is happening. There is no job. Classes at the community college are being blown off. Helping out around the house is unreliable at best. The young adult rarely comes out of the bedroom, and instead, plays video games, watches movies and old TV shows—endlessly! No one planned for this scenario.

Young adults derailed in launching often require significant intervention in order to resume forward momentum towards adult levels of functioning. Conditions such as ADHD, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, learning disabilities, among others, often impact the young person’s abilities to function well on a daily basis. Rarely do conditions such as depression, for example, impact only one aspect of a young adult’s life. It is not just a matter of mood. Young adults with depression stop going to classes, sleep in, isolate, and play more video games. They tend to become vampires and only operate in the dark. They tend to dodge parents’ attempts to connect by phone, email, texts, or even dinner.

Adults with similar conditions have often developed compensatory strategies and skills to help them to continue functioning at home or in the workplace despite mood disorders, alcoholism, anxiety or ADHD. From a clinical perspective, we often assess the adult’s levels of coping and resilience based on his or her ability to sustain responsible daily functioning. Are they still going to work, feeding their families, coaching the soccer team? Mother Teresa tended to the poor at herculean rates and was perceived as an international treasure despite serious depression that she kept hidden. It was only after her death that the truth of her depression came to light. We are often amazed at what people can accomplish despite bipolar disorder, anxiety, learning issues, or other mental health challenges.

In young adulthood, however, many of the skills to compensate and meet daily responsibilities are fragile, under construction, or even being eroded by the disease process. For example, depression has direct effects on brain size causing shrinkage, especially in the hippocampus which is so important for learning and managing emotions. ADHD is often considered a delay in the development of the prefrontal cortex necessary for executive functioning and self-management. The brain wires through use and the struggle to learn. Young adults who retreat from mastery of expected self-management skills necessary to be a successful student or employee, or even, friend, wind up extending the delay in development of the prefrontal cortex and can miss the window for easier growth. For example, it is harder to be the 22 year old without a driver’s license than it is to be the 17 year old. At 17, others will pick you up to do things. At 22, not so much.

Parents are unprepared to have a defeated young adult under their roof. The young person is both angry at you and comfortable to be in their room. It can be a really tough time for the whole family. Fingers are pointed. Threats are made. There is plenty of blame to go around. No one feels good.

It is time to regroup. Parents need to not assume that the skills are in place or that the young adult knows how one manages adult responsibilities. These young adults who come back after significant failure are still thinking like high school kids. That’s part of the problem. The experience of being defeated at a process that was taken for granted, even though it shouldn’t be, is humiliating. The young person regresses even further. Withdrawal becomes the solution. “I’m not inadequate if I don’t try.” It can be very difficult to coax the young adult out of the virtual world of the darkened bedroom. This is when parents get really desperate! This is also when families benefit from professional help.

When I first meet with a young adult who is feeling like a failure at life, there is often a deep sense of relief expressed that someone out there specializes in complicated launchings. Somebody out there cares about their fate beyond parents who have to care! Young adults even like the term complicated launchings. It becomes a category they don’t mind being included. It is a term that allows the young adult, parents, and the treatment team to organize around important questions. What about this young man and his particular biopsychosocial development have made him so vulnerable? What factors are supporting growth and what are keeping the young person immobilized?

It is a process that involves meeting the young person where they are, understanding the family dynamics and expectations, and slowly working towards skill development and successful launching. It is about getting unstuck and teaching the parents how to be helpful. It is about mobilizing the whole family to growth.